What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
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An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter.
Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days."
Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."
A man walked into the doctor's office and said: "Doc, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."
A voice from his stomach replies: "No you haven't."
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops.
The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings.
The second man lifts his palm to his ear.
When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.
The others raise their eyebrows.
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
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What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
Brrr! My hands are cold.
Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.