What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire sucks you’re blood only at midnight!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’ Lawyer: ‘Absolutely. What’s the other question?’
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice. To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.