What said Adam to Eva at they’re first rendezvous?
Get back!
I have no idea how big it grows!
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Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
Yo momma so fat when I crawl in her pussy I can't find my way out.
Why do women fart after they take a piss?
Because they can't shake it, so they blow dry it.
Q: What do you call that useless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.
He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses.
She asks what they'll be drinking.
He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her.
It was the best vodka they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass.
She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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