Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
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Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge.
He asks the first guy to stand:
"What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"John," the guy answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought.
So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.
"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."
Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear.
The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans.
I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."
"If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"
"Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear.
I only have to outrun you."
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
Then I woke up.
If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.'
He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound' and another sign that says 'Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cash register, how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.
"Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Vote:
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.