Joke #2649

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..

Chuck Norris impregnates women without having sex with them.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."

While talking to girl: "Hey, I heard an interesting stat the other day. They said that 80% of women masturbate in the shower. Know what the other 20% do?" "No, what?" "Yea, I figured you were in the first group."

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are."

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat. During the couple’s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?" "Screw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one’s all mine!"