Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy "Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared." Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team? A: The New York Jets.
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
What's pink and chunky? A baby with leprosy.
While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
So a little kid and a child molester start walking into a forest. They keep walking for what seems like hours, and it gets darker and darker and darker, and the forest gets deeper and deeper and deeper. The kid turns to the child molester and he says "Gee mister, it sure is scary out here!" The child molester says "How do you think I feel, kid? I'm gonna have to walk out of this forest by myself!"
What's red and dances all around? A baby on a barbecue
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing. The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He's so angry, he shouts "God dammit, I missed!". The nun reminds him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts "God dammit, I MISSED!". The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord's name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells "GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!" and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly. Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms "God dammit, I missed".