At the Court discussion between judge and villager:
So you was propeling surrogate alcohol?
Me? No!
What do you mean no?
You have a device for that... means propeled.
Then please judge me also for rape...
So you have raped someone also?
Well no... but I have a device...
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Guy gets pulled over in his car by a pair of dudes in balaclavas, pointing guns in his face.
Terrorist (menacing voice): "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
Driver, panicking, doesn't know which answer will save his life, has a bright idea.
Driver: "Neither, actually. In fact I'm Jewish."
Terrorist shouts to other terrorist: "Fucking hell Abdul, we've got one at last!"
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child.
The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!
Bruce lee does not drink water, he drinks WATAAAA.
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position".
The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his.
They had not seen each other for many years so they had much to talk about and many old memories to renew.
After some time, one said to the other, "If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t look very good, you must have experienced some bad luck."
"Yes," the other one said, "I have. You see this peg leg? Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become dangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee."
His friend agreed that was bad luck.
The other one continued. "You see I have a hook for a hand. One day I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."
"My, you really did experience bad luck, the other responded, I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?"
"Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over , unloaded, and got me right in the eye."
"My, My,(not real sailor talk) did that take your eye out?"
"No, that was the first day I had my hook."
A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly.
He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there.
I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick.
What's it gonna be?'
Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.'
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear.
But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear.
'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.'
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.'
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear.
Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'
There was no Big Bang.
Chuck Norris arm wrestled himself and the energy produced created the universe.
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