Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? The Captains Dinghy!
The results of in-depth studies have determined that the most often used sexual position for marriedcouples is the "doggie position". The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job." "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong,everybody said I was responsible."
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.
Law of employment: When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Kanye West compared himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing, either.
Police: Where do u live? Me: With my parents. Police: Where does ur parents live? Me: With me. Police: Where do u all live? Me: Together. Police: Where is ur house? Me: Next to my neighbors house. Police: Where is your neighbors house? Me: If i tell you u wont believe me. Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house...
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.