Joke #2848

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.

Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives. They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

"Knock Knock?" "Who's there?" "Europe." "Europe who?" "No you're a poo."

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A man walks into a chemist’s and says, "Can I have a bar of soap, please?" The chemist says, "Do you want it scented?" And the man says, "No, I’ll take it with me now."

Q: If Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton participated in a spelling contest, who would win? A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that "harass" is one word.

What do you call a truck full of dildos? Toys for Twats.

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

I've recently got a stalker. He's everywhere all the time. And his thing is that he sends other people to profess his love for me. So I can be walking down the street and all of a sudden a lady will appear screaming: "JESUS LOVES YOU."