What do you call a dinosaur with magic powers?
Tyrannosaurus Hex.
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There was once a puppy called May who loved to pick quarrels with animals who were bigger than she was.
One day she argued with a lion.
The next day was the first of June.
Why?
Because that was the end of May!
What's green with bumps?
A frog with the measles!
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Why do lions always eat raw meat?
"Because they don't know how to cook."
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase.
The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.
So, he said, "Look. Let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said: "Zoo or no zoo.
I just gotta see this."
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
It got toad!!
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
The little snail begs for his mother:
Mother, please let me pass the rail road!
Thunder dear, not now.
In five hours the train passes.