At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One of the chamber members stood up and said,
"I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.
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After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief.
Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Murphy and the thief began to wrestle.
They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"
"Hello"
"Hello"
"Is that you, James?"
"Yes, this is James."
"Are you sure this is James."
"Yes I'm sure, this is James!"
"This is Robert... can you lend me twenty dollars?"
"I'll tell James when he comes in."
The lawyer’s motto:
a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid.
"Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!"
She was so rich she even had monograms on the bags under her eyes.
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Did they check the books?"
"Very thoroughly."
"What did they say?"
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
Vote:
There was a man who just got out of the army.
He was really horny and only had $5, so he went to a whore house.
He told the women, "Gimme anything you got."
So then he is having sex with this women and says "Gosh, you're really rough inside."
She says "Hold on" and she goes to the bathroom.
10 minutes later she comes back and they start to do it again.
He says "Now you're really smooth. What happened?"
She says, "I picked off all the scabs."
Vote:
Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.