Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Yo' Mama is so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits!
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. 'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing. Why?' 'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Happy Father's Day! I got you a present but if you want to get technical then technically you bought it. By the way, can I borrow $20?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Can you tell me how much you charge?" asked the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" "Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
‘Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.’ Jay Leno