Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
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I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge on the tenth floor of a skyscraper.
The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such nice day, I decided to walk."
Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs...
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.
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A black family of four, hears about a magical river that can turn them white if they swim across so they go and the dad and mom swim across, and they come out white, the daughter jumps in and swims across and she turn white, so the son trys to swim but the current takes him and the little girl goes up to dad and says, "Daddy, daddy, Philip just got taken by the current" and the dad says,
"Oh, forget that nigga."
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Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
A: Having two legs.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
Football match Romania – Russia.
Romania wins and receives a telegram from Russia:
“You’ve won!
Stop.
Congratulations!
Stop.
Oil!
Stop.
Gas!
Stop...