Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria. One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides. When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went uneaten that night.
A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life. The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies. He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened. The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes. The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black? The golf pro said that they did paint them into black robot caddies, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.
Woman patient: "Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die." Doctor: "You did the right thing to call me."
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: "I can not proceed in this way." And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say: "We can not proceed in this way." And they dig up the woman.
First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?" Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."
The other day a friend and myself decided to try out an aerobics video because we were both feeling very unfit. We put the tape in and started to copy the movements. After a few minutes we had chopped each other's arms off with chain-saws. It was only then that we realized that I had accidentally put "Psycho Killers III" in the video by mistake! How we laughed!!!!
They say that if I don't support transgender rights I'm on the wrong side of history. At least I'm on the right side of the firing squad.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ? A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
The judge asks the murderer: Why did you kill that old lady? For money.. But you got only 20 cents Yes, but killing five of them would already make a dollar.
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.