Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team’s response times. “Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,” bragged one, “we’ve cut our emergency response time by ten percent.”
“Not bad,” the second paramedic commented.
“But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent.”
“That’s nothing said the third paramedic.
“Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our emergency response time in half!”
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Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
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Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor.
Who gets it?
The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder.
After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted.
The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’.
The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.