Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why did the woman bury her husband 12 feet under? A. Because deep down he's a good person.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends: 1st: How your girlfriend look like? 2nd: 5'6, hot, sexy, blue eyes... what about yours? 1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.
Question: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? Answer: When she starts her sentence with, “A man once told me…”
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She: Well, you succeeded.
This french guy he wants to learn English. So one day he goes to an airport to learn "take off". Then he goes to the zoo to learn "zebra". Then he goes to the hospital "baby" So one day he walks up too a hot girl on a beach in a bikini and he said "Take off zebra baby" (take off the bra baby).
A man went into the drugstore and asked for a deodorant. "The ball type?" asked the clerk. "No," said the dumb man. "It's for my underarms."
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.