What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A: A dic-tater.
How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke? Son: Yeah! Dad: Pussy. Son: I don't get it. Dad: Exactly...
2 cannibals having dinner. 1st says to 2nd, "Your wife makes a lovely stew." 2nd answers, "Yes but I will miss her."
What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you." The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you." Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you." The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question." So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?" To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"
A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste... All of a sudden the salesman asks her: "You're single, aren't you?" A bit surprised woman smiles and answers: "That's right, but how did you guessed that?" "Because you're so ugly."
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.