What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
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Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest..
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen.
It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria.
"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" said Bob.
Q. How do men define a long-term relationship?
A. A second date.
Q: How does a man show he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: Why the men's voice is louder than women?
A: men have an antenna!
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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.
"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.
I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?"
"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.
Please take off your clothes."
The man strips down.
The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.
"But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"
"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again.
Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" she replied, "There certainly is!
My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"