How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends how hard you throw them.
"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end." "People who go out of their way to help others have great taste." "An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry." "Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue." "A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble." "The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew." "It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea." "You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried." "If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon." "Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner." "Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
Q: What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What's the difference between an epyleptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diahrrea? A: One shucks between fits.
Two old ladies are at the movies. "Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off." "What makes you say that?" "He's using my hand."
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire. "Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."
What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home.