What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
Q: What did the emu say to the nurse? A: Mend her bones or walk the plank
A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?” He replied “Putting on my shoes!”.
Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government? A: A civil serpent.
How do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start off with a large fortune!
Q: Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested? A: Charged With Battery.
What do you get when you cross a frog and a rabbit? A rabbit that says, "Ribbit."
Two skunks were being chased by a bear. As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said "Whatever shall we do?" "Let us spray!" replied the other.
Why are rabbits like calculators? They both multiply a lot.
A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today" The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area. The police tell the drunk party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.