Yo mama's so fat, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.
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A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.
By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
The Australian rugby team is being driven through Dublin.
The driver shouts out, ‘And if you look to your left you’ll see we’re going past the biggest pub in the city.’
A voice from the back shouts, ‘Why?’
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
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A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.
"Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender.
"Who gave those beauties to you?"
"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam.
"I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him.
He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while.
"But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,
"I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"