You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat?
And they look at you and say they don't know.
And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know.
I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. '
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Without you I can't breath.
I love you so much my nose.
This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
About 4,000 years ago:
God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
A: Cheez Whuz.
A patient to his friend: "I am taking rest cure."
Friend: "What do you do?"
Patient: "I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."
"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist.
And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.