What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common? They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.
You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You Matter.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
Baby, baby, baby ooh! Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber? Daughter: No, I'm watching porn. Mom: Oh, thank goodness.
Who was the fastest runner? Adam. He was first in the human race.
Chuck Norris is not cool. By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco...
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how clumsy you are.
Ignorance can be educated. Crazy can be medicated. But there is no cure for stupidity...
Always be yourself! Unless you can be Batman - then always be Batman