A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory? The police are looking for some hardened criminals!
Dad: Hey son, if you keep masturbating your going to go blind. Son: Dad im over here.
An old married couple were having s*x and the wife says, "Baby, suck my nipples!" The man dies; autopsy said, "Reason for death: Expired Milk"
I never drink water… fish f**k in it.
Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A: Better traction.
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.