A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The man replies "I don't know but its driving me nuts".
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
I’ve been very depressed lately. My wife’s threatened to leave me. But even that hasn’t cheered me up.
Alcohol doesn't make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
Q: What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much? A: A beer-a-cuda!
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's ass. The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hell are you doing?" The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunk, shoot the sh*t and eat pussy."
A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"