A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately. ‘I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,’ says the man. ‘Watch them!’ says his wife. ‘You already know how to play volleyball.’
Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
Did you hear John McEnroe went for an audition for the latest Harry Potter film? They turned him down, saying "You cannot be Sirius!"
Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top. When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard." The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home. Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the other breast. Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together. One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty. Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'. 'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'
Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics? A: Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.
Why did the referee have such a high phone bill? Because he made to many calls!