The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine. But I need a line to end it.
You want to come in my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Just one request. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep." Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long… The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Oh! I really don’t want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears… Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
Chuck Norris doesn't buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter.