Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn’t know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well... what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says…go to hell... that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."
The lawyer’s motto: a man is not guilty until he demonstrates he is out of money...
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? "Professional courtesy."
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
How come sharks don’t attack lawyers? From professional courtesy.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers