If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
How do you know when an Asian breaks into your home?
Your house is clean, your computer is fixed, and their still pulling out of your driveway.
Q: Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
A: Cause it got stuck in a crack.
A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.
He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
When a White guy is...
Scared- He gets even whiter.
Cold- He turns Blue.
Angry-He turns Red.
Stoned- Gray duh.
Sick- He turns Green.
When a Black guy is...
Scared- He stays Black.
Cold- He stays Black.
Angry- He stays Black.
Stoned- He stays Black.
Black Man to White Man: And you calling us colored.
Vote:
Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all real at one time... then they met Chuck.
There can only be 1 living legend.
Vote:
A: Why are you late?
B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
B: No, I was standing on it.
Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A: Gaelic breath.