A drunk goes to court.
The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’
The drunk says, ‘Great.
Let’s get started.’
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying,
"I spat in this beer, do not drink!".
After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.
"What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
It’s late evening and Tom’s wife catches him pouring six cans of lager down the toilet.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ she says.
Tom replies, ‘Well, it seems a waste, but I thought it’d save me getting up in the night.’
A blonde, a priest, a doctor, a nurse, a brunette, a redhead, a lawyer, a rabbi, a musician, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinaman, an Irishman, an Englishman an American, A Russian, an Iraqi, Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin, George W Bush, Osama Bin laden and Barack Obama walked into a bar.
The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk.
The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.
The man leaves.
He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer.
A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.
The man leaves.
He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.
The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar.
He leaves.
He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him.
"I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!"
Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks, "Man, how many bars do you work at?"
A dazzling woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, No”, he replies.
Can you get him for me I need to speak to him.
She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
Is there anything I can do?
“Yes, there is”.
I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the ladies room.”
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.