If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?".
I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
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While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asks her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
I joined Bachelors Anonymous.
Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast.
So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’
At least that’s what I meant to say.
What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’