A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards. ‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man. ‘He’s not so clever,’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’
At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook." "Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home." Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman." "What happened?" asks the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot. "Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?" "I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
A husband and wife are eating soup. The wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret? He was a blubber mouth.
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano? A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A: So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter? He didn't have the hare fare.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Brontosnorus.
Q: Why are tigers religious? A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bakin'.