Why did the man keep doing the backstroke? He’d just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!
Chuck Norris was banned from the Olympics because his mere presence is considered a performance-enhancing substance.
Everyone could tell our son was a Tigers fan. When he was handed his diploma, he dropped it.
Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you? Answer: Shorten the chain.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.
"Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy." Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Colin Powell, and Bill Clinton were on the yellow brick road, going to see the Wizard of Oz. When they got there, the Wizard of Oz said they could each have one wish. ''I want to have brains,'' said George W. POOF! He got some brains. ''I want to have a heart,'' said Dick Cheney. POOF! He had a heart (albeit a problematic one.) ''I want to have courage,'' said Colin Powell. POOF! He had courage. Finally it was former President, Bill Clinton's turn. ''Well, what do you want?'' asked the Wizard. Clinton thought a moment and asked, ''Ummm... Is Dorothy around?''
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Why is basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!