Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
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What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
A boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting.
I'm not getting up."
A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms.
She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.
Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.
He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What’s the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls."
Q:Why don't hockey players drink tea?
A:Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not to forget a spoon.
Q: What sports team is the least safe around children?
A: The Nashville Predators.
After meeting with Chuck Norris' lawyer the UFC have changed their name from "Ultimate Fighting Championship" to simply "Fighting Championship."
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Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool;
Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.
‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat.
‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied.
‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted
‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’
‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft.
In today’s civilized society, it is called golf.