A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blows the husband a kiss. ‘I met her last week,’ explains the husband. ‘Professionally of course.’ The wife replies, ‘Which profession? Yours or hers?’
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
I’m a very giving lover – I give Green Shield Stamps.
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, and wants some dirty fun so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
Tom to Dick: ‘My mother made me a homosexual.’ Dick: ‘If I bought her enough wool would she make me one as well?’
Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy? A: Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? When his hand caught fire.
Q: Did you hear about the couple that "96ed?" A: After they "69ed" they rolled over and sh*t in each other's hair.