Joke #4399

‘Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.’ Rita Rudner
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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
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I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.
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Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank!
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Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery? He's so happy that he's giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
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We were so poor we couldn’t get rid of the roaches in our house because they paid half the rent.
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce." On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce." The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
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Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"
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