A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The barman pulls him a pint and says,‘Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.’ ‘What of it?’ asks the man.‘I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.’ ‘But today’s Tuesday,’ replies the barman. ‘Oh God.Is it?’ says the man. ‘I must look a right prat.’
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house? He prawned everything.
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.
"Does your dog bite?" "No." (Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him) "Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" "That is not my dog."
A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet.
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn"t it?"
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant? Burgers and flies.
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks. "No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope. "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?" "I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity. "Okay," moans Grumpy. So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves. Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
Yo' Mama is so ugly, her face looks like a horse's ass flapping in the breeze.
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it? Jawbreakers.