How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She’s got that down-in-the-mouth look.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
When is a lion not a lion? When he turns into his cage.
Why did the frog cross the street? Because the chicken crossed the road.
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.
The little snail begs for his mother: Mother, please let me pass the rail road! Thunder dear, not now. In five hours the train passes.
Who would win in a fight between a bear and a lion? Answer - neither, Chuck Norris would beat them both with a single round-house-kick.
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose. Ortoise: How does he smell? Gemma: Awful!
Q: Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable? A: She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers? A: They have two left feet.