My wife and I have a joint account.
I deposit money and she withdraws it.
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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”
A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now, let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier.
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple brandy with a double whisky chaser.
‘You know I shouldn’t really be drinking like this with what I’ve got,’ says the man to the barman.
‘Why? What have you got?’ asks the barman. ‘Fifty pence,’ replies the man.
Q: Why did the Asian cross the road?
A: Because he had no car!
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day.
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
If you want to know God’s opinion of money just look at the people He gave it to.
Your so poor, I stepped in your house and stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, "Who turned of the lights".