How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid? When you open her legs, the lights go on.
"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?" "Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!" The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife. So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sex in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!" The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."
“Honey”, says the wife to her husband, “last night I had the most AMAZING dream..I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fan to us and that gave me great satisfaction..” The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fan to them while they made love. The three of them went home and the couple started having sex while the black man was waving the fan. But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles. She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fan next to them. The husband accepted and started waving the fan… After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more! So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fan, you ashole?”
Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.” “Is that you, Fred?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.” “Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.” “Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
Doc, every time after sex I hear whistle. What's your age? 70. You know, this is very natural. It would strange if you heard applause...
What happens when a dwarf runs between a girls legs? He gets a clit around the head and a flap on the face.
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her feet.
A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra. Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher? They both got fired.