What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A coin!
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A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church.
This was the conversation between them
Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don't talk.
Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!
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I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life.
When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
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A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?
It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...
My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"
"Led Zeppelin," I replied.
"Who?" he said.
"Yeah, I liked them too."
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says.
But here’s what to do.
Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day.
She showed it to me, and it was BDSM.
She asked me "What we should do?"
Me: "Probably not spank him."
She belted me with the magazine.
Now I know where he gets it from.
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