Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
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Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men?
A: Even the small ones give satisfaction.
Sex is like air – it’s not important until you’re not getting any.
Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.
Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.
They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one "Ok we can run for it or we can stay here and out number them."
And the other rabbit says, "We're going to run for it you idiot I'm your brother."
How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.
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What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?
They both got fired.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear.
Jewelry.”
Man to a woman: "Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is?"
Woman: "No."
Man: "Lets have lunch sometime…"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab."
He popped into a phone booth near
the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello," the woman says.
She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."