I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic.
What is a cannibal's favorite food? Baked Beings.
What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door? A nigger with a spear through his head.
Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
Q: What's a terrorists favorite American football team? A: The New York Jets.
What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun.
In a monastery senior sister announces to other sisters: I have a good and a bad news for you. The good one is that they have broughts to use a lot of carrots. All the sisters start whistling happily. But one of them asks: What are the bad news? Carrots came grated.
What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana ? One's composing, the other is decomposing.