If you can't say something nice, say it in French.
Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you'll get cut. Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.
Customer: "Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?" Waiter: "Can’t you tell the difference by taste?" Customer: "No, I can’t." Waiter: "Then does it really matter?"
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency? He said quickly Obama. When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
The man pulled over to the side of the road when he saw the police lights in his rear view mirror. “How long have you been riding around without a tail light?” asked the officer. “Oh, no!” screamed the man, jumping out of the car. “Calm down, it isn’t that serious.” said the officer. “Wait’ll my family finds out.” “Where’s your family?” “They’re in the trailer that was hitched to the car!”
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it. When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says: "Ok, I"m going to my next client." To which the lady says: "NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..." The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus. After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees. 10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s: "Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..." He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" To which the worker replies: "I"m waiting for the bus!"
The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen. "That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
At the Court discussion between judge and villager: So you was propeling surrogate alcohol? Me? No! What do you mean no? You have a device for that... means propeled. Then please judge me also for rape... So you have raped someone also? Well no... but I have a device...
What do a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They both can smell it, but they can't eat it!
Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die" so she took one and jumped. Bush said "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me" he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy "You take the last parachute, let me die" the boy said "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!"
If you're under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you better brace yourself.... Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.