How do you get a baby to run faster?
Chase it with the lawn mower.
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Every night while Dave is having dinner his wife Natalie goes to the bedroom turns off the light and makes out with Daves friend Andy by the window.
After some days Dave had doubt and leaving supper he went to the dark room only to hear whispers from the other side of the window.
He pushes Natalie away goes near the window,unties his pant and put his arse facing the window.
After a minute Andy puts a kiss on his butt cheek and says "Natalie, haven't u brushed ur teeth today?"
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Q: What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
A: I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
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What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
"I'm going to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. But it is just a formality."
"Who told you that?"
"Gynecologist."
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Me: "Here comes the airplane!"
Baby: Opens mouth.
Me: "OH NO! It's the Taliban!" Hits baby in the forehead with the spoon. "KA-BOOM"
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Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.
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Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter?
It sure gave them something to chew over.
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A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.
After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman. The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.
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Guy having sex says "damn bitch, there should be a law against sex this good."
To which the girl replies "I think there is daddy..."
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How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
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