Undertaker to bereaved husband. When did you 1st notice your wife was dead? Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."
Q: Why are black peoples nostrils so big? A: Because that's what God held them by when he was painting them.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
What do you say to a virgin? Thanks for nothing!
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks. "No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."
Three generations of hookers were sitting around the kitchen table one morning. The youngest moans "the economy is so bad, I can only get $20 for a blowjob. The middle aged hooker says "shit, you think that's bad? In my day $5 was a good trick" The oldest says "shit, back in the depression we was just happy to have something warm in our bellies"
The horrible moment when there's a really cute girls on the bus, but you're too shy to start masturbating in front of everyone...
A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
Q: What's the pink nub of flesh between your grandmother's breasts called? A: Her clit