Q. What's the king of the pencil case?
A. The ruler.
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I
hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher said "what we are going to do today class is, I am going to give you a letter and I want someone to raise their hand and if l call on you l want you to give me a word that begins with that letter. So The teacher says "A" and Little Johnny immediately raises his hand but the teacher knows he will say asshole so she calls on Little Mary and she says "apple."
"Very good" the teacher replied. "Okay, how about the letter B"
Little Johnny once again immediately raises his hand and says "please please pick me" so the teacher thinks for a moment and inside her head knows he'll say bitch or bastard, so she skips over Little Johnny and calls on Little Brad and Little Brad replies "boat."
"Very good Brad" the teacher says. "Now how about C" the teacher asks.
Immediately Little Johnny's eyes light up and this time says "oh pick me, pick me l know one" the teacher instantly goes right to Little Bobby and he says "car."
"That's a good one Bobby."
So the teacher does the same thing with the letter D and ignores Little Jonny raising his hand.
Now the teacher says "You're all doing a great job class, how about E" this time Little Johnny stands up waving his arms begging for a chance.
So the teacher pauses for a solid 10 to 15 seconds and can't think of one bad word that begins with the letter E.
So she reluctantly calls on Little Johnny and Little Johnny very nicely and calmly says "Elephant" and before the much-relieved teacher can even exhale, Little Johnny puts both hands up out in front of himself approximately two feet apart and yells out "with a fucking cock this big!
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
John: Knock, knock.
Justin: Who’s there?
John: Gladys.
Justin: Gladys, who?
John: Gladys the weekend—no homework!
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.
A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
"So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson.
He delivered the pizza to his trailer.
After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Larry.
“Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little
attention."
Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"
Today in lesson Little Jonny went to the back of the room and Miss McRacen went "Not in the back."
Jonny: "That's what she said."
Miss: "Get out!"
Jonny "She said that too."
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