A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"
Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? A: Snap-on tools!
Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived a powerful king and his beautiful queen. The queen was so gorgeous that the king's ministers were obsessed and craving to seduce her. One day, the king got an invitation to visit the King of Ethiopia and left behind his queen and his kingdom. Before leaving, he asked his three ministers to take good care of his queen and all his affairs during his absence. All three pronounced their loyalty. That night, when the queen was deep asleep the king placed a sharp blade inside her because he didn't trust his three ministers. The following week, the king returned and summoned his three ministers to the palace. He ordered all three to strip. To the king's surprise, two of them were penisless and the third was fine. The two unfaithful ministers were immediately executed. The king praised the third minister for his loyalty and asked him what he wished. "Aaaah, aaaaaaaaah," he replied.
I like your style I like your class but most of all i like your ass.
"I shall call it squishy, and he will be mine. He will be my squishy." "Let go of my boob."
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs? It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.
Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand. Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.
A man is on a plane. The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two things right now, a cup of coffee and a blowjob." Stuartist runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom. The man stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee."