A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.
Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy.
"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.
He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first." 
Vote:
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Vote:
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise?
A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Vote:
Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
Vote:
What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies?
One live one in the middle is eating its way out.
Vote:
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh.
Vote:
Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.
One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.
Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory.
The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple.
The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut.
Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch.
Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob.
Bob smells it three times.
"I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."
Vote:
Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl?
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.
Vote:
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
Vote:
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.
The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.
So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.
The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.
Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.
The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
Vote:
Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!
"Shut up and keep digging, boy."
Vote: