A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
Q: How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’? A: Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…
Q: What's the only thing faster than a black man running away with your TV? A: His son running away with your VCR.
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
What's funnier than cancer? Most things, really.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
My wife and I had been debating whether it was time to start a family when we saw a couple of cute kids, splashing and giggling in a paddling pool. I looked at her and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" She smiled and said, "Yes, Gary..." "That settles it, then," I replied. "We can't raise children if we're both paedos."
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. You put groceries in the other.
Mummy, mummy, why is daddy swaying in the backyard? Shut up, and give me more bullets.